Soulmates - your greatest challenge


When we have reached a certain point in our development, we meet our soulmate. Unfortunately, this is not the great happiness that you have always dreamed of, but after a short initial joy and pure happiness then first associated with a lot of pain, suffering, drama and patience. The reason for this is that this soul partner helps us, MUST help us, to solve all our inferiorities and dependencies first in ourselves and ultimately literally brings us to independence and freedom.

(c) Ute Strohbusch

“Obviously two, yet one in soul - you and me.” Rumi

Soulmates or Twin Flame relationships are there to lead us into our deepest learning tasks. An almost unearthly love, which cannot be solved on both sides, but one does not come together either. This is not a one-sided unfulfilled love. You can recognize it by the fact that both love each other equally and cannot free themselves from the feelings towards the other. The man is usually the one who strictly denies and suppresses his feelings, while the woman drowns in hers.


Only when the woman is finished with her learning process can he also move and be confronted with his own feelings and suppressed fears. It is like an invisible pact that we cannot escape.


But the highest goal is not to end up in a partnership, it CAN be, but it doesn't have to be, but to open up to a higher form of love, which is independent of living together. We know so far only three-dimensional form of the love, the conditional love which is tied to a "being together".


We experience FIRST by the example of our soulmate what it means that "everything is one". We have needed the illusion of separation for eons to experience ourselves in physical matter. Now we are at a leap of consciousness into fourth dimensionality, the HEART chakra is connecting with the lower three chakras (the EGO) and giving it a new dimension. Those who still live a "normal partnership" do not know and feel this difference yet. Many think that those affected are crazy. But more and more people now meet the "soulmate" or "twin flame", a dual soul, which cancels this separation in us.


Although I use these terms here, I would like to point out that this is a concept, like everything else concerning our ego. But we need concepts in order to evolve. Please do not totally identify with the terms and even more so with the "romantic notion" of it. Yes, it is a phenomenon that is happening everywhere right now, with always the same processes. But the background is your development of consciousness, the awakening of femininity in us women after thousands of years of male energy dominance, and the turning away from the "emotional provider man" into our own power and source. Only then love will be possible at all.


Try to understand the content and the development opportunities and not get too attached to the romantic concept of "THE ONE" that you desperately want and is promised to you at the end as a heavenly happy ending. That may be, but it doesn't have to be. This is all your needy YOU. When you have actually mastered the lessons, this conceptuality and the beautiful esoteric stories that have knitted themselves around it, perhaps lose their meaning...


I often read articles a la "how to find your soulmate". Well, you can't miss him! You will meet him when you are ready for it. And please don't imagine it romanticized. This meeting demands everything from you... namely the surrender of your ego. Believe me, this is the biggest challenge you can imagine.


The soulmate serves as a screen for you, a projection screen for your deepest separation from yourself. Understand this. Love is so inescapably great because otherwise you would not face your own hells. So, however, you can't help but break yourself on him until not one stone of your needy self remains on the other.

It is not about "getting him to the end"! As long as you have this as a goal, you remain stuck in the uncomfortable part of the learning process. And that is until you reach the end of your suffering.

Because when you have gone through the learning path, you will not arrive at HIM, but at YOU, in the LOVE for you, in the LOVE that you ARE. This is a big difference, which you will feel... understand... experience, when you have arrived. Before that, you can't even begin to imagine it. You only know the yearning love, which needs the other one.


We only know in three-dimensional relationships that both are coupled: love and wanting to be together. Through your soulmate, you realize - precisely because you can neither have him nor end love, no matter how you fight it - that you may and should live your life, whether with or without him by your side.

But you will forever have the assurance that he is in your heart. And you will be grateful that he is there, and realize that that is (more than) enough.

And HE is only the beginning. You begin to feel this love for other people as well, perhaps not quite as strongly yet. But you are expanding, your heart is expanding. That is the goal. To expand until all separation and all boundaries to ALL people dissolve. This is a progressive process that includes more and more people.


The soulmate shows you for the first time how it feels to love completely, but to be without neediness for a person. That is his task. To give you this quantum leap into the heart.

You can still enjoy his presence, you can still enjoy sex with him.... no, not "still", but only now really! Because you can let it flow now.... everything can be, but doesn't have to be anymore for you to be happy. You don't cling anymore, you don't try to hold on anymore, it doesn't cause you suffering and distress anymore when he is not there.


It is not without reason that I am addressing women in particular.

In most cases, the men are the deniers and the women are the ones who can't let go and FIRST have to go through the learning journey.... MAY. It can take up to 10 years or more for the woman to recognize and heal her patterns, depending on her capacity for suffering and how long it takes her to just be able to hold out love "without earthly fulfillment", to be able to allow it in her own heart, to recognize it as her own love, and to let go of the desire for PARTNERSHIP with this man and turn to her own life and growth processes.

Have you ever tried to keep a strong feeling of love WITH YOU, to endure it without doing anything with it? Without letting it flow to anyone? You think it burns you. But it only burns everything in you that is NOT love.


A soulmate relationship always proceeds according to the same laws and sequences.

Almost always the woman is the active one and has to walk the learning path first. This has something to do with the nature of male and female energies. (See my article "The female and male primal principle").

It is the motor in the common process of development.... and also the one who suffers terribly. During all this time the man stays in the head and does not allow any depth of feeling, withdraws permanently or repeatedly from the "danger" and just continues to live his life in the "safe" mode.

This changes only when she begins to let go of him emotionally and goes her own way, which in turn has to do with recognizing and healing her parenting issues whose patterns have shaped her. (Focus of my work)


Her task is to discover love, the source of love in herself and to stop looking for it in the man. She becomes love.


The male soul partner can only come into his own development when the female soul partner has gone through and completed her learning process. Only when he no longer feels her "pull" or loses her completely does he come into contact with his repressed and controlled feelings. Then his suffering begins, his repressed pain comes to the surface. He feels that he could lose her, that he no longer has her safe, that she no longer nourishes and supports him. At that moment, his fear of loss becomes greater than the fears of closeness that also arose in his childhood.

(This is not true either, of course. We only roll them up there by the circumstances we find in our family of origin, the place, the country, the society. And these circumstances are the grid that fits the stage of development at which we "continue" in this incarnation. So parents are never "to blame", they provide us with the prerequisite for the next step of growth).


I also refer here to my articles about the female and male primal principle. Ultimately, letting go of the woman is not primarily about "leaving" the man, although this also often happens, but about the woman finding her basic feminine energy again and learning to stay with herself. Not a frustrated turning away from the man is the solution, but a loving turning towards oneself, without needing the other, without expectations and pressure. It can also be quite possible to stay in touch externally during the whole process.

The learning process of the woman revolves around the re-encounter with herself, the reconciliation of all inner deficiencies, the liberation of the mistaken belief that one can find happiness outside of oneself, and thus the finding back into one's own value and into the FEMALE ORIGINALNESS, which is not guided by the emotionality of the woman.

Who remembers the queen or goddess, becomes again receptive to life, to love. With emphasis on RECEIVING. Not "wanting to have, longing, fighting or acting". Receiving love means resting in oneself, taking care of oneself on all levels and being WHOLE in oneself.


There is not always a happy ending. Only about 10 to 15% also make it to the partnership in the end. This number seems to be very low, which in turn is due to the fact that at all only 20% face the karmic task with the soulmate and go through the process completely, and about 80% are currently still stuck somewhere in their victim attitudes and (for now) do not get anywhere.

The soulmate is primarily not meant to be a marriage candidate with the "perfect relationship", but a teacher. Although there is a soul pact, that is, an agreement of the souls that it should also result in a partnership, our free will is always placed above it by the spiritual world. On the soul level, things often look very different than here in the "oblivion", in the entanglement of the ego. ;-)


The women often have to go the way first, but then are also first at the goal, if they really go through the karmic resolution path. Often the woman has already found a new partner before the soul partner finally "wakes up" and actively walks his learning process. Sometimes his blockages are also so solidified and he doesn't know where to start and just keeps going. Either way, she will then no longer wait for him.


This may not be comforting or motivating for many women. But ultimately, this learning relationship is about you. Even if women can't imagine that for a long time.... It is mainly about coming into self-love, into independence, not into partnership with this man.


There is something like a final test for the woman, an emotional decision, often between two men.


If the soulmate is still stuck in his patterns, but the woman has arrived at personal responsibility, she quite quickly attracts a man into her life who corresponds to her development and has also arrived at the freedom of the heart. This man is also a dual! That this is so seems to be a contradiction, but on the one hand it is because the soul partner begins his active learning path only when she has let go of him.  But exactly because she has let go, now according to the resonance law a counterpart appears immediately.


When the woman has arrived in love and in her own responsibility, the urgent desire to live together with her soulmate automatically disappears. Also the physical longing torments no more. Love has arrived on another level and is no longer dependent on external conditions.


You still love him, maybe even more than ever, but you see him a bit more disenchanted. You used to hope that he would change. Now you don't want him to change. You love him as he is. You love him without intention, without desire, as exactly what he is. And you let him live his life and make his choice on his own, because you are totally engaged with your life.

But you also know what you want and you now know the value of your true femininity. You would not want to get involved with him now given the circumstances (e.g. that he is in a marriage or that he can't stay constantly turned towards and open, but keeps going off the deep end). You don't care about him anymore, not about his growth, not about his life. Your thoughts revolve around YOUR life. You go out, do what you feel like doing, and no longer feel obligated to him. After all, he hasn't made the effort yet. Not because you are "punishing" him with it, but because you lack the impulse to do so. New boundaries of self-worth have formed in you, you have become more mindful and respectful of yourself, you have real natural "inhibitions" to do something that is not coherent or mature. Everything else has not yet been conquered.

You have returned to the feminine primal principle, to receptivity. You are the queen, he the suitor. Not the other way around like before, when you twisted the male-female principle because of your fears and lack of self-love.


Believe me! When you are out of needing and wanting, some of the pedestal, on which you have put your soul man, peels off ;-). Which is also good for him, because men often have the feeling that they can't meet the expectations of women. No wonder with the pull that you have always created.


You are now able to love not only a man like that. You are love. And love is impersonal. It is your state of being. You are IN love, especially with yourself. You have learned to stay with yourself, even when a man shows up to touch you. You allow this touch, mentally, in your heart. Physically, you only give when a man constantly shows his intentions through his behavior towards you, his appreciation, his respect. You let love flow without losing yourself through it, without losing yourself in the other....


At this point God brings plan B into play :-)) A man, also a dual, who brings you all that you have always wished and longed for from your soulmate. He brings the qualities of your soulmate, which you love so much about him, but even more... Reliability, kindness, ability and willingness to relate, an open courageous heart without retreats. He showers you with everything that you no longer "need".

Because you have arrived now from the lack in ABUNDANCE. So you meet a man who is also in abundance! Who is in abundance, can give! Who is in the open heart, holds nothing back! Lack attracts lack, fullness attracts even more fullness.

So when you are in the fullness of your love, of your own responsibility, you attract a dual who gives to you even more!


And then he is standing in front of the door.... your soulmate. At this point, the energy completely reverses.


He comes with a desire for a relationship. He is now either at his lowest point of fear of losing you and is doing very badly, or he has gone through his learning process in the meantime and has also arrived in his heart.

And exactly this difference is enormously important!


And now you get to choose.

It is an emotional test. You are to decide with your free will completely from your heart.

Choose out of love. And this includes that you remain completely with yourself, look at YOU. With which man you also want to live a real relationship. This is just as true if you are still single!


Remember, one way or another you will not lose him or love.


Ask your heart. You will know.

Has he not moved a step and is just standing there to pull you back into the old mode he needs?  If so, I warn you: as soon as you get involved again, without him also having opened himself completely to love, you will go into a new karmic cycle! However, then also YOU have gone again on the glue of your old pattern and nevertheless not "so far" as you believe. He would immediately withdraw again as soon as he feels safe again.

And here at the latest the question arises, what unconditional love means, if one is allowed to put conditions on a partnership. Yes, at this point you will understand: We are not here to master unconditional love.

It is there, where we come and go back again. Likewise, we are not here to become detached spiritualized beings. And nevertheless, we may have to strive for this first, in order to then land really plump in being human. Before, we were only puppets of our conditionings. But the goal is not to become a holy spiritualized being, angelic and gentle and okay with everything. Get those images out of your head. Become full of life and lust and immerse yourself completely in being human.... but FREE from your compulsions and fears!

By unconditional love is meant that you stop living an immature love that expects something from the other person, namely that HE should love you instead of YOU. Unconditional means to let it flow, because you don't need HIM for your happiness. Because you have found the source in yourself.

But you may very well look at and decide with whom you want to live, who corresponds to your ideas of your life concept. And often this is no longer your soulmate. At least not as long as he stubbornly persists in his self-denial. The chance is 50:50.


Decide out of love. Your heart will have the answer.

Both are right. With both men you have a soul contract.

Stop fighting against what is. Then you are free.


There is one love,

that surpasses all love,

that outlasts life.

Two souls born from one.

United like two flames.

Identical - and yet separate.

Sometimes together, welded by feeling and desire.

Sometimes separated, to learn and grow.

But always finding each other.

In other times, other places.

Again and again...


(6th century tradition from the Japanese patriarch Tatsuya)


(c) Ute Strohbusch 2015

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